God does give you more that you can handle.

            March 29, 2005 was the day my life changed forever.  As I sat in a cold, sterile hospital room listening an unfamiliar doctor rattle off overwhelming information about my daughter, my world shifted and I found myself living a new life. 

            January 1, 2005 started off the same as so many New Year’s Days had before for me.  I made a few resolutions and spent the day with my family dreaming of what the new year had in store for us.  Our life was busy, happy and not so complicated.  I was pregnant with my 5^th baby, a girl, who would join our family of 6.  I had 3 daughters already, ages 8, 6, and 4 along with one son age 2.  We had a cute little house and a scruffy puppy named Bingo.  I had no idea what challenges laid in front of us.

            In late January my eight year old daughter, Madi, began to experience terrible stomachaches.  She complained about her stomach and needing to use the restroom often.  I used my Dr. Mom degree and decided that her diet may be the cause and she needed to eat healthier.  I increased her fruits and vegetable intake and made sure she wasn’t eating fast food.  My modifications didn’t help.  Her pain increased and so did her restroom issues.  In early March, I took her to our pediatrician and she ordered some blood work.  No big deal or so I thought.  It was late into the evening when I received a phone call from our doctor about the results.  Several tests were extremely high, so more lab work was ordered and I was given the name of a pediatric GI doctor with instructions to call first thing in the morning to make an appointment.

            We saw the pediatric GI on March 22, 2005.  She was a small woman with wild, frizzy hair and a strong New York accent, which is very uncommon in the Midwest.  Dr. Brady was kind and compassionate while being blunt and very honest about Madi’s test results and symptoms.  We scheduled a colonoscopy for March 29.  She was diagnosed with an auto immune disease called ulcerative colitis.  We were told there wasn’t a cure, but could be managed with medicine and diet.  Madi was admitted to the hospital to start treatment.  The next few weeks were a blur learning how to cook for her, dose her medicine, manage her pain while balancing a growing family, a rambunctious toddler, and the new reality of our life.  I spent a lot of time researching and learning about our new enemy, ulcerative colitis.

            Ulcerative colitis (UC) is an inflammation of the lining of your large intestine.  It causes pain, diarrhea, bleeding, and also in some cases joint pain and swelling, fatigue, and fever.  Most people treat their UC with diet and medicine and find that they have periods of remission where they feel good and are healthy.  My daughter was never that lucky.  She tried medication after medication, and medication on top of medication.  She had surgery to install a port-a-cath in her vein to receive infusions every month and immune suppressants to try and turn down her immune system.  Unfortunately for her, the medicine and diet modifications didn’t work and at age 11 we received news that surgery was the only option left for her.  She would have to have her entire large intestine removed within days.

            November 30, 2008 was a bitter cold winter day and was the day her first surgery was scheduled.  My husband and I waited in the surgery waiting area for 14 hours, receiving updates every few hours on her condition.  I was broken that day.  I was heartbroken that after my countless prayers, fasting, her name on the temple prayer role, and blessings she was given, the one thing being withheld from her was healing.  On top of worry for her current and future health, my grandfather’s funeral was held this same day.  All my family support system was at a chapel celebrating and grieving for the loss of our patriarch while I sat crying in a hospital corner reflecting on how difficult my daughter and our family’s trials were. 

            These trials haven’t gotten any easier since that dreary winter day.  In fact, in some ways they have gotten harder.  Madi continued to need surgery after surgery, at last count she had eight surgeries to treat her ulcerative colitis.  After her last stomach surgery, we thought we were done.  Her surgeon was confident that he had finally fixed all of the complications and she wouldn’t need another one anytime in the near future.  We celebrated that news!  We truly felt like we had finally finished this marathon trial and we were confident and sure with the conviction that she was finally healthy.  It was a short lived break.

            One night in 2011 I was helping Madi wash her hair in the kitchen sink.  She was leaned over the sink and I was using the sprayer to rinse the conditioner out of her long hair.  I noticed a hump on the right side of her back.  This new symptom struck panic in me.  I was emotionally spent and could not bear to watch my sweet daughter go through anything else.  However, it was just a short month later that an orthopedist delivered news of another critical diagnosis.  She needed to have her entire spine fused to correct severe kyphoscoliosis.  The emotions inside me roared.  I felt angry and betrayed, hopeless, alone, cheated, and sad.  I was heartbroken to realize our marathon was not over.  Madi was going to endure more suffering, and I needed to be there for her.  Inside my head and heart, I wrestled with these emotions.  I prayed and let Heavenly Father know how angry I was and how betrayed I felt by this new diagnosis.  I was lost.  I didn’t know how or where to summon the strength and courage from to climb this new mountain.

The strength did come though, and we found it when we took Madi for a second opinion with another orthopedist at St. Louis Children’s Hospital.  He was an answer to our prayers.  He understood Madi’s emotions and fears about her back problems.  He comforted her as she wept in the exam room and told us he understood and would do everything in his power to fix her back.  His compassion was what we needed to feel hopeful and brave enough to endure another surgery, with the accompanying ICU stay, physical therapy and terribly painful healing process.  It was a big surgery, and my husband and I spent another day waiting for news from another surgery.  Her spine surgery lasted nine hours and her recovery took months. 

As she healed and I tended to her, I realized something had changed.  The situation was still the same, the pain still sharp and recovery was still rough.  The change was inside me, as I gained an understanding of an eternal truth.  I learned of God’s love and tender mercies in our lives.  I learned that God does give you more than you can handle because in those terrible moments, you turn to Him.  Your silent pleadings and heartbreak aren’t ignored.  Even in the moments when grief and sadness are the only the emotions you feel, you aren’t alone.  Unanswered prayers aren’t evidence that God has forgotten us, but an opportunity for us to look for Him and understand His plan.  His is always right, even when it seems wrong.  In the end God is always there for us, to lift us when we are weak, to silently wipe our tears and to unconditionally love and wait for us to turn to Him.  

Bearing Our Burdens with Hope

I loved the description posted below this video on the Mormon Messages page, "Being happy does not always mean being without hardship. Sometimes it means just the opposite. That principle is brought to life in this story of a young husband who is only able to make it home safely after his load grows much heavier.

Elder David A. Bednar told the story in his general conference address “Bear Up Their Burdens with Ease.” A man became stranded in the mountains when his truck got stuck in the snow. It was only after he filled the truck bed with wood that he was able to escape.

“It was the load of wood that provided the traction necessary for him to get out of the snow, to get back on the road, and to move forward,” Elder Bednar explains.

When we face large or small challenges in life, we can take comfort in the truth that such experiences will build our strength and bring us closer to God.

“Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness,” Elder Bednar says."

I agree that God uses hard trials to bring us closer to Him and to help us to learn what He needs us to learn.

Bearing Our Burdens with Hope

Daughter

The term daughter is sacred to me.  I revere it.  It means you belong to someone, it is a title.  The knowledge of what it means to be a daughter of Heavenly Father has changed my life.  As I discovered what that meant, I changed.  I am a noble spirit, housed inside a beautiful, although imperfect, physical body.  I have been given great blessings and opportunities on this earth as a daughter of God.  I have value; both here on this earth and in our premortal life, as well as I have worth in the eternities to come.  My sweet daughters, given that same sacred name, have just as much worth as I do.  We all do, sons and daughters of God.  Don't forget it, learn about yourself, understand why God loves and values you. Learn more about it at www.mormon.org

Daughters of God

Fathers

Fathers are one of the most influential and important people in their children's lives.  The video, Earthly Father, Heavenly Father touched me.  I think we need to celebrate good fathers and the good they give to the world.

Earthly Father, Heavenly Father

This I Believe Essay.

I wrote this essay for my English class.  It was personal, and at times very difficult to write.  I shared raw and personal memories and I thought I did a pretty good job on it.  My teacher disagreed, and I received a disappointing grade.


A Laugh a Day Keeps the Doctor Away
I believe in laughter.  I think it is hard to find anything else that changes a tense situation or helps to alleviate stress better than a good laugh.  Most of my favorite memories have a common thread in them, and it is laughter.  Some of the memories I cherish the most are the ones I created with my husband and our children. Often times I can just think back on a memory and laugh as I recall the details.
I have a distinct laugh.  I am not a quiet laugher, and my laugh is contagious.  It is the attribute that I get the most compliments on. When I was a child, I hated my laugh.  I felt embarrassed as my other classmates looked at me strangely when I laughed. I would often avoid situations and conversations to prevent myself from laughing.  As an adult, I have learned to love my laugh.  I love the feeling of joy that comes from making others laugh with me, and the ability to lighten the mood in a room with my laugh.  It has become a treasured part of my identity.
My oldest daughter has been seriously ill since she was 8.  She has been hospitalized countless times, had 10 major surgeries, and many other doctor’s appointments and tests.  There were only a handful of things that made her feel better on her hardest days; a hot shower, a good friend, and a good laugh.  We spent many days in the hospital together playing epic Apples to Apples games with nurses, doctors, and the Child Life associates.  During those games, loud laughter was a constant.  The giggles, belly laughs, and crying from laughter were the distraction she needed from IVs, NG tubes, nasty medicines, and painful procedures.  After each surgery she was not allowed to eat for at least a week, and when food couldn’t fill her stomach, laughter filled her soul.  We treated those dark days of loneliness and pain with the joy of laughter.  Laughter made those hard days easier.
I have looked upon my hardships in life with two options, laughing or crying.  I always choose laughing.  A good cry is sometimes necessary, but what my soul really needs on a hard day is a good, long laugh.  I love to laugh until my stomach muscles burn and salty tears run down my face.  I love to share those times with good friends and family, coloring the hard times of life with the vibrant colors of laughter.

Putting It All Together-Prayer

This week I studied the Book of Ether.  It is a short book in the Book of Mormon that tells the history of a group of people called the Jaredites at the time of the Tower of Babel.  As I studied I thought a lot about prayer.

The brother of Jared was a prophet and he often offered prayers on behalf of his people.  His prayers were heartfelt, and were heard and answered by our loving Heavenly Father.  In Ether 1:33-43, we read:

 33 Which Jared came forth with his brother and their families, with some others and their families, from the great tower, at the time the Lord confounded the language of the people, and swore in his wrath that they should be scattered upon all the face of the earth; and according to the word of the Lord the people were scattered.

 34 And the brother of Jared being a large and mighty man, and a man highly favored of the Lord, Jared, his brother, said unto him: Cry unto the Lord, that he will not confound us that we may not understand our words.

 35 And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did cry unto the Lord, and the Lord had compassion upon Jared; therefore he did not confound the language of Jared; and Jared and his brother were not confounded.

 36 Then Jared said unto his brother: Cry again unto the Lord, and it may be that he will turn away his anger from them who are our friends, that he confound not their language.

 37 And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did cry unto the Lord, and the Lord had compassion upon their friends and their families also, that they were not confounded.

 38 And it came to pass that Jared spake again unto his brother, saying: Go and inquire of the Lord whether he will drive us out of the land, and if he will drive us out of the land, cry unto him whither we shall go. And who knoweth but the Lord will carry us forth into a land which is choice above all the earth? And if it so be, let us be faithful unto the Lord, that we may receive it for our inheritance.

 39 And it came to pass that the brother of Jared did cry unto the Lord according to that which had been spoken by the mouth of Jared.

 40 And it came to pass that the Lord did hear the brother of Jared, and had compassion upon him, and said unto him:

 41 Go to and gather together thy flocks, both male and female, of every kind; and also of the seed of the earth of every kind; and thy families; and also Jared thy brother and his family; and also thy friends and their families, and the friends of Jared and their families.

 42 And when thou hast done this thou shalt go at the head of them down into the valley which is northward. And there will I meet thee, and I will go before thee into a land which is choice above all the lands of the earth.

 43 And there will I bless thee and thy seed, and raise up unto me of thy seed, and of the seed of thy brother, and they who shall go with thee, a great nation. And there shall be none greater than the nation which I will raise up unto me of thy seed, upon all the face of the earth. And thus I will do unto thee because this long time ye have cried unto me.

I love the last sentence in verse 43.  The brother of Jared and his people were blessed specifically because of their prayers.  I am currently serving in my ward's Relief Society presidency and we had a ward split 2 weeks ago.  Due to all the changes we didn't have any teachers for our Sunday lesson, so I was to teach.  I had a very busy week-many of my school assignments were due, my 6 children were on spring break, and I had responsibilities and tasks to complete in my home, work and church
duties.  I thought it would be a great idea to read the lesson I was to teach on Monday and then think about it all week in preparation to teach on the following Sunday.  I did that, and pondered the subject matter all week.  The lesson I prepared was on Adversity.

On Saturday evening, I hosted a dinner for the RS sisters and then we all went to together to watch the Women's Broadcast.  I took notes as I watched so I would have new quotes for the sisters in my class the next day on adversity.  I was prepared to teach the lesson, had finished all my schoolwork and planned to go home to make our pies for Easter dinner.  As I watched the broadcast, a strange feeling took hold of my heart and prompted me to double check the scheduled lesson for Sunday.  My heart sank as I realized the lesson I had been preparing all week was the wrong one!  I was supposed to teach a lesson on prayer.

Humbled, nervous, upset and panicked were my first reactions.  I didn't think there was any way I could plan a lesson at 11:00 p.m. for 9 a.m. church that would be spiritual or teach anyone anything.  Then all my studies from this week came to my mind, and I realized I could do something that would help-I could pray.  I had a good, long prayer and got to work on a new lesson plan for the next day.  The Spirit guided me to quickly highlight the right parts of the lesson I needed to teach.  I had several prayers on Sunday morning about my lesson and focused on the Lord's Atonement during Sacrament meeting and Sunday School.  I prayed before I stood to teach my dear Relief Society sisters, and then I gave the lesson I was guided to give. We discussed the things which I was prompted to share and others shared their personal stories of tender mercies they received as answers to prayers.  We all had a wonderful lesson and my testimony of prayer was strengthened by this wonderful opportunity.

I testify that the power of prayer is real.  The Lord is always there waiting for us to come to Him, to turn our hearts to Him, tell Him our silent pleadings, our worries, our joys and our needs.  He is there to protect us and guide us along His path if we will obey,  It doesn't mean our earthly journey will always be easy, but He won't ever leave us alone if we pray.  One of my dear sisters shared her motto, "Come what may and love it", and I believe that is true.  I know on my darkest hour, I can call out in prayer and He will be there for me.

Putting It All Together

I was reading in 3 Nephi 30:2, and this verse made me think about the way we conduct our lives.

 Turn, all ye Gentiles, from your wicked ways; and repent of your evil doings, of your lyings and deceivings, and of your whoredoms, and of your secret abominations, and your idolatries, and of your murders, and your priestcrafts, and your envyings, and your strifes, and from all your wickedness and abominations, and come unto me, and be baptized in my name, that ye may receive a remission of your sins, and be filled with the Holy Ghost, that ye may be numbered with my people who are of the house of Israel.

As I read this verse I started to think about the current climate that makes up our daily lives.  Political races, contentions between nations, and between people over various points of view come to my mind.  What is Nephi trying to tell us with this verse?

I think he is reminding us of the basics, the fundamental way of living that is so foreign to many people.  Be baptized and receive a remission of your sins.  Live your life with the companionship of the Holy Ghost and have charity.  This pattern for life is the only way to true and lasting happiness, which is what so many spend countless dollars and hours searching for only to find it continually alludes them.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ is hope, peace, safety and security and is a free gift to those who just will open their hearts to Him.  

Putting It All Together, 3 Nephi 12-17

11 And it came to pass that he commanded that their little children should be brought.

 12 So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him.

 13 And it came to pass that when they had all been brought, and Jesus stood in the midst, he commanded the multitude that they should kneel down upon the ground.

 14 And it came to pass that when they had knelt upon the ground, Jesus groaned within himself, and said: Father, I am troubled because of the wickedness of the people of the house of Israel.

 15 And when he had said these words, he himself alsoknelt upon the earth; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, and the multitude did bear record who heard him.

 16 And after this manner do they bear record: The eyehath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father;

 17 And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father.

 18 And it came to pass that when Jesus had made an end of praying unto the Father, he arose; but so great was thejoy of the multitude that they were overcome.

 19 And it came to pass that Jesus spake unto them, and bade them arise.

 20 And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full.

 21 And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

 22 And when he had done this he wept again;

 23 And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.

 24 And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them.

 25 And the multitude did see and hear and bear record; and they know that their record is true for they all of them did see and hear, every man for himself; and they were in number about two thousand and five hundred souls; and they did consist of men, women, and children.

These verses in 3 Nephi 17 are some of my very favorite in The Book of Mormon.  I love reading and pondering the words,  Behold your little ones.  Behold means to see or observe something (or someone), especially a remarkable or impressive one.  

Each of us is a remarkable person.  We are literally a spirit son or daughter of God.  Each of us was reserved and sent here to earth at this specific time for a specific purpose.  We all have a path to follow, missions to complete in our lifetime and a heavenly home awaiting our return.

Our children are a special gift and blessing.  Heavenly Father is literally trusting us to raise His spirit children.  He is our partner and wants us to succeed at nurturing those children we are entrusted with.  Does that knowledge change the way you think of your children?  Does it give you pause when you are critical of their mistakes that they make as they grow?  Do you consider how magnificent the spirits of your children are?  

I have 6 children, all unique with their own likes and dislikes and personality traits.  I have a daughter who is a natural peacemaker, three children who are supremely stubborn, a son with the kindest heart, and a daughter who makes everyone feel comfortable and loved with her smile.  I believe they have these traits so they can complete their mortal tasks here on earth.  

As I behold my little ones, I am in awe of how amazing and individual each of my children are.  I look forward to a future day that I can watch them gain their rightful place in society and see how our Heavenly Father prepared them to accomplish His work on the earth.

Keep the commandments

7 And he said: Yea, I will keep thy commandments with all my heart.  Alma 45:7

This was the first scripture my daughter memorized when she was just 4.  I remember helping her read the words, and we would say them together until she finally had learned them.  She was so eager to learn a scripture like the other children in her primary class.  She is now a 19 year old adult, but still has fond memories of learning this scripture.

"Although most of the Ten Commandments list things we should not do, they also represent things we should do. The Savior summarized the Ten Commandments in two principles—love for the Lord and love for our fellow men:

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

“This is the first and great commandment.

“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37–39)."- source:lds.org

This scripture and the commandment to love have been at the forefront of my mind the past few weeks.  My grandmother is dying.  She is living her last few days or weeks in a nursing home.  To be honest, the past few weeks I have thought about her more than I ever have in my entire life.  We didn't have a close relationship, I don't have any memories of her having me over to make cookies, reading me a book, or even sending me a birthday card.  She wasn't the grandmother who made sure you had a Christmas gift or called to say hello.  I can't ever say I remember her saying "I love you".  All these things are fine, it was her choice to be a grandparent from a distance.  I have no bad feelings toward her, but I don't have much affection for her either.  My mother does have bad feelings for her.  My grandmother never liked my mother or was kind to her.  She would repeatedly tell my father that he should get a divorce, and it caused bad feelings.

I think my grandmother has been surprised by who is caring for her now.  My mother goes to visit her everyday.  She fixes my grandmother's hair, helps her in the bathroom, pushes her in the wheelchair around the nursing home, brings her treats and puts lotion on her cracking skin.  My mother, the terrible wife and daughter-in-law, is the only one there tending to her needs from her family.  My mother isn't doing it for any other reason than the commandment to "Love one another".  It has been very healing for their relationship as my mother has cared for her.  My grandmother now calls my mom "her angel" and looks forward to their daily visits.

This experience has reminded me how the Lord is always the greatest teacher.  When we choose to follow His counsel we will always be blessed.  His commandment to love one another comforts one of his daughters and at the same time, it also mends another daughter's hurt.

Putting It All Together, Nourishing Your Seed of Fatih

My conversion to the Gospel of Jesus Christ and my membership in His church has been a long journey for me.  I was baptized when I was 12, after taking the missionary discussions and going to church with my friend.  I was active less than a year and then stopped going to church.  I spent my teen years living my life according to the world's standards and not the Lord's.  After I had my first baby, I decided to have her blessed at church.  My husband went along with me, not realizing this was the beginning of a remarkable change in our lives.  I was assigned a visiting teacher and that sister became a dear friend to me.  I am an active member now, my husband has joined the church, we have been sealed in the temple and strive to live our lives according to Gospel standards.

I am extremely thankful for my friend's example to me, her encouragement, support and the time she took to answer my questions.  She was my temple escort.  Her husband was always there to lend support to mine as he investigated the church, questioned his learning and gained his testimony.  Her husband blessed our second baby (as my husband was not a member at the time) and we appreciated their friendship so much.  They were both returned missionaries and came from strong, faithful families.

Their lives are completely different now.  They moved to Utah from St. Louis about 10 years ago and it was the beginning of a complete change of life for them.  They started by letting small things slide, then a sports game on a Sunday, non-alcoholic beer was replaced by real beer, and infidelity soon followed.  They have divorced, left the church and taken the Gospel from their 4 children's lives.

As I was studying Alma this week I have thought about her often and the difference in our lives today.  The way she is living now is how I lived before I met her.  I have been thinking about what happened and why some people leave the church.

 38 But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.

 39 Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.

The Lord and the Gospel didn't change, but she did.  She gave no attention to her faith and did not nourish it.  She lost it.  It breaks my heart but it doesn't shake my faith.  I have tended to my seed of faith and it has grown.  I have a firm conviction that the Lord is real and loves us individually.  I know the Gospel is true.